Use your words like a big boy clone!

I think it's time to realize I will probably never be a consistent blogger, but man I have fun when I do.

Bored doodles.

It's been awhile thought I would post sketch from today.

It's the simplicity of the matter...

... that complicated the whole thing.

Is it just me or does anyone else think the sentence "it's quite simple, for me that is" should be a criminal offense punishable by a punch to the face?

This ain't your mama's blog

Why, as we get older do we insist on ignoring the fact the we are getting older. We dress younger than we should, talk younger than we should, we try to be friends with our kids instead of parents. Why do we not understand that with age comes wisdom not irrelevance? We seem to think that once we hit a certain age the world views us as obsolete, last years model, when instead we should be seen as proof of past, example of future, and the holder of the present.

The tale of Evil Banana!

Evil banana was a d+ck and nobody liked him. One day Evil Banana pissed off the wrong hungry cubicle dweller. Evil banana got handled!

What I do during conference calls...

... Sketch!

Another day in the neighborhood...

... to bad the neighborhood sucks!

Have you ever had one if those days where it might possibly be easier to run a crime syndicate than it is just to live your day to day life.

Today was one of those days. I would have much rather had to order a hit on a crooked uncle, payoff some dirty cops, made an offer some one couldn't refuse, or avoid the FBI, but no what do I get to do, I get to sit in my cubicle, stare at a computer screen, and deal with idiot people all day. Yeah I'm pretty sure mob boss would have been a better career choice.

The beginning if the end... Maybe!

It happened a few days ago the digital apocalypse of my social media life! I deleted it all Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, and even Myspace. I am almost entirely off the grid, except for Blogger of course. How could I get rid of the one outlet that never judged me for my continuing fascination with world domination, deathrays, mass midget annihilation, and if course the ever present task of plotting the demise of that energizer bunny. Going, going, gone bunny ears time to collect a pink fuzzy rabbits foot!

I have decided it has been to long since I last blogged so I thought I would thoe one out there.

For a long time one of my favorite things to do when I am in public and bored is people watch. While people watching it has always amazed me that people forget they are in public, and do some disgusting things!! While waiting at the pharmacy CVS the other day I saw 6 people come and go. Of those six, three committed the following 1 nose pick and sleeve wipe, 1 wedgie pick and butt scratch, and finally 1 pants crotch adjust, the last one is possibly the most disturbing seeing as it was female and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the pants making her uncomfortable, poor girl!!

Watching all this occurred made me hypersensitive to my own actions in public, I am now very aware of people who may be watching or cameras who may watching!

New games to play!

Back to bloogosphere, back to my own little reality!

I have created a new game we shall call it Smellevator!

Everytime you walk into a Elevator your goal is to identify all odors present. I know it sounds gross and it is but I get bored on the elevator as I journey from the 2nd floor to the 3rd floor and need to entertain myself.

Other games still in the testing process:

Derail the Train: Objective of the game is If you find yourself walking in the middle of a large crowd to stop abruptly and see how many people run into your back. In order to be classified as a Derailment a minimum of three people must crash into you at the same time.

Back Up: When standing in a crowded area begin to slowly back up and see and how many people you can get to move out of the way. If you can successfuly make it through the crowd without running into anyone you will have achieved Ninja status in back up.

Blair Witch Winning: Objective to stand for five minutes with your nose in the corner, hands behind your back, of a busy common area without having someone ask you what you are doing.

Oh the Return has been painful!

I challenge thee!


For the rest of the weekend I challenge you to respond to all initial questions or statements such as "Hey" or “Question?” with the most random answer possible!

Examples:

Woman: "Question?"
Man: Only on Tuesday but not since Godzilla took over

Man: Can I ask you question?
Man: It was purple but it chaffed so I stopped wearing it

Woman: Hey
Woman: Nope but if it was up to me Abe Lincoln would be played by Conan O'Brien

Sometimes I wish I were the Hulk.

I mean accept for the green skin and the purple pants he's a pretty awesome guy. Granted he has a temper issue but isnt it always directed at someone who is doing something bad? Whats wrong with that. I mean he calms down eventually and has to buy new clothes - You figure he would buy something beside purple but hey maybe thats his thing or maybe it goes best with green skin. But in the grand scheme of things dont we all wish we had the nerve to stand up to something that makes us mad.

The joys of Spandex

This goes out to all those poeplea who decide it would be a good idea to wear their workout clothes in public.

First and foremost please remember the following rules
Rule number 1 of spandex just because it comes in your size doesnt mean you should wear it.

Rule number 2 if it doesnt come in your size that doesnt mean you should buy the smaller size because it stretches.

Rule number 3 - Please remember that if at any point you plan on sweating while wearing your yellow spandex to please wear the appropriate undergarments. A black thong is not listed in the "appropriate"
catagory in this situation. Please note rules 1 and 2 apply to black thongs as well.

Rule number 4 - For the sake of small impressionable children and any adult who is not blind, please do not wear an old white sports bra with said spandex and pretend like its a work out top.

Rule number 5 - And this one is probably the most important one of all, for the love of Pete you should never ever ever ever ever evere ever ever bend over at your waist to pick up something on the bottom shelf while wearing the above attire. I believe it breaks one of the Ten Commandments -
Thou shalt not commit murder, because everyone within line of sight wished they were not alive to view that.

So I want to end with an apology to everyone that had to endure my outfit yesterday it really was a bad choice!
And your welcome for the visual!

Two Guys, Three girls, and four huge packages of toilet paper!

I remember the days of peewee football; the Friday Pep rallies, wearing our jerseys to school, getting a special lunch for being on the team. (For those of you not from Texas, football rules the life of an average kid from flag through high school) But some of my fondest memories come from the Friday nights before the games. To wake up to giggling voices as the cheerleaders’ toilet paper every tree in your front yard! Or to be chased from the front yard of the cheerleaders by a very angry father who is not scared to throw things at kids or call your parents and rat you out that you had snuck out of the house at two in the morning. So when you do get home and sneak through your window, your Mom can scare the ever-living crap out of you by jumping out of your closet. Not that, that ever happened I’m just saying it could! But I digress, where was I, oh yes, the other day my wife and I were driving down the road and we saw three “tween” age girls walking down the street carrying four large packages of toilet paper, I’m talking twenty four packs here people. It was actually funny because one of the girls was trying to carry two packages and together they had to of weighed more than her, she was having some trouble. I laughed out loud at these girls because that scene could only lead to one scenario with multiple endings.

But as we drove on the plot thickened – about seventy-five yards behind these girls were two boys, obviously trying hard not to be seen by the girls and appeared they were doing a good job. This changes the scenario completely and in tomorrows blog I will play these two scenarios out in what I would like to call –

MTV The Real World Mode!

The day the Coke fell! A Short Epic Tale of Despair and Humor

I stepped from the warm safety of my house out into a cold cold world. No really it was like twenty freaking degrees this morning it was bloggin cold! As I briskly walked to my car I felt a certain air about the day it was going to be a good day, I knew. And to be completely honest it did start off that way, the drive in to work although slow was uneventful, work was slow due to the weather as well but little did i know what lurked around the corner of the day, an event so horrific and yet humorous , I fell to my knees and thanked God that I was present to view it. I'll set the mood:

We were at work and I was in the deli downstairs! I was the forth person in line behind an elderly man, at the front of the line, and two young women from another floor of the building. As we stood there waiting to pay the elderly gentlemanpulle out his wallet and literally started cound out dimes and nickels to pay for his meal. Dont worry he's not poor so I'm not making funn of poor people he said he had just cleaned out the coin jar in his office. So get over yourself. Anyways as we are waiting patinetly this lady walks in, walks right up to the counter and lays down the exact change for a coke from the fountain machine in front of the cashier and walks off. Well the three of us who had been waiting patiently were a little upset but well we didnt want the old guy feeling bad so we kept our moths shut. But what happened next may honestly have been the greatest moment in DELI history! The Line Cutter as I like to call her, and no you're thinking of the wrong kind of COKE, grabbed a cup and put some ice in and placed under the spout, as she pushed the button it started coming real slow it looked like syrup, so the lady does the only logical thing and starts poking at the handle tryiong to make it work. The lady behind the counter freaked and starts yelling in Chinese and English "No stop, please stop, place Chinese words here if you know any, you going to make big mess!" The lady didnt listen and pushed the button one last time! Evidentally the spout was clogged and each time she was pressing the button it was building up pressure behind, well the final push was just to much and the next thing you coke went all over the lady! I mean all over. Imagine if you will standing in front of a two liter of Diet Coke when a package of Mentos has been dropped into it and that is what this lady looked like. The chinese lady just stopped and started laughing "I told you you gonna make big mess!" At that our shock turned into a vengeful laughter! She had gotten her just deserts. And that was the day the coke fell!

Lets play "What If..."

I shall now take a story from history and change one significant thing and see how the outcome would effect the world.

The date is October 23, 1888, Klara Hitler has been informed she is pregnant. As she sits in the doctor's office a million thoughts run through her head, "she had already lost three previous children, could she handle losing a fourth? She was still early in the pregnancy and her husband hadn't noticed the subtle changes. She could easily abort the child and no one would know." An inner Battle began she knew it would be hard to keep that secret but would it be harder to grow attached to another child that would break their hearts again...

... April 20, 1889, today was the due date of her long lost child. She thought she could handle the secret, she thought she could handle the pain, but as time went by it proved to heavy a burden to bare alone. She told in Alois a couple months after the abortion, he left her. Her friends soon found out and she became an outcast, as she sat living room of her now vacant house , she thought to herself, "What if..."

... The date is November 24, 2008, war is still waging at all of our borders. Fro sixty some odd years we had held the German Empire at bay but it seems as though they have tired of our antics. Luckily we are a self sustaining country, However the majority of Europe, along with Australia, South America, and Africa have all been conquered. It is truly the world against the U.S....

To Be Continued...

The warmth of warn in, comfortable blog. (Aliens be damned!)

Okay so I abandoned the alien story sue me!

Fine I'll give you the cliff notes.

Come to find out Midgets are really aliens, and they speak French, actually its their native language. They first landed in France in 1357 in hopes of world domination, unfortunately their computers made serious miscalculations and they didn't realize the average human was twice their size! So they bailed on that plan and decided to settle and in and call Earth home. That's why I have a fear a french midgets! Not because they are French or because they are midgets but because they are truly aliens so suck on that "Unsolved Mysteries!" I never saw you air an episode about the The Alien French Midgets!

Now on to more intelligent things -
The quadragammic indophysics of a glaucometer factor and how it can be used to determine trajectory of poo flung by a monkey at the zoo. (You had to know that was leading somewhere stupid if you didn't you haven't been paying close attention to my blog at all!)

And now for my random thought of today: If John and Sue are brother and sister, and Sue and Jennifer are 2ND cousins twice removed, and Jennifer and Raul arent related at all and have never met, does a tree still make a sound when it falls and no one else is around.

If you thought that was random you should have been with me yesterday, I'll just say it involved a 1982 Honda, 2 nuns, a bottle of Gatorade, 3 pieces of floss, a half eaten burrito and a gallon of red paint, now yesterday was random!

The Alien Probe Incident and all that implies!

On Tuesday I was abducted and on Wednesday they said I was annoying and dropped me back on Earth. And I shall now detail my Alien Abduction and the horrors of space travel.


I dont remember much from the initial abduction just that one minute I was watching E.T. and and the next thing I knew I was strapped to a steele table about three sizes two small and stairing at the ceiling of a very small room. It was very confusing but hey it wasnt as weird as some of the stuff I had done in high school so I was game. But I have to be honest when the doors opened and THEY walked through well I kinda changed my mind! At first I could only hear movement they seemed to be close to the ground and their language was familiar but I couldnt quite make it out. I was still a little groggy.

I shook my head to clear away the cobwebs and thats when I caught my first glimpse of my captors, they were freaking midgets, and there were two of them. Not weird looking beings with tentacles and green skin but they were real honest to goodness midgets! I tried to move but with every struggle the straps grew tighter and the midgets laughed.

Oh know one of them was coming closer it had something in its hands its slipped it in my ear, my mind was going to melt, wait was that english I could understand the aliens now as clear as if they were human. The smallest one jumped on my chest and slapped in the face, "Hey Dumbo you understand me?" I wanted to throw him across the room but still no slack in the straps. "Yeah I hear you shorty whats the deal with the rough stuff", truth is I was freaking out but there was no way I was letting shorty mcshort stuff know that. "Who the "expletive"are you?"

"I'm a freaking alien you "expletive", he screamed. Totally unneccessary I felt but I couldnt back down. "No way your a freaking midget!" He looked frustrated, fine if you don't believe me how about a little in flight movie! He slid a pair of Oakleys over my eyes and tiny screen popped to life. Hey maybe they weren't so bad after all.

A new day dawns!

The following occurred bewteen the minutes of 6:59Am and 7:00A

I got to the front I paid for the glue and I left.

I know its anticlimactic but its time to move on to bigger and better things!

So tomorrow I'll tell you about the time I was kidnapped by a group of kool- aid drinking, alien worshipping, skin heads who used me as bait for some weird extraterestial being named Milton that never showed up. I never knew that a cell phone, two nine volt batteries, a pair of house slippers, and a nerf gun could be used in a such a weird way!

Second post in one day: Pardon me while I vent a little!

It has been brought to my attention that people in the blogosphere are being censored to a point. Told that they need to watch what they say, or that their blog is offensive because they use satire by saying things like "Go blog yourself, or mother blogger". It amazes me that people try to tel other people they can't have an opinion about something, or they can't those kinds of words.Well I got to thinking and I realized a few points about those kinds of people.

1. Those people who think they can tell other people what they can or can't write obviously don't have an understanding of the constitution and the link it has with the world wide web. So let me break it down for you. The constitution gives me freedom of speech, freedom of press, and a few freedoms that I won't go into here. The world wide web gives me an outlet for that freedom. See when I disagree with some one's views then I simply don't read what they right. Just like if I don't like a TV show, I don't watch it, a radio station I don't listen too it and a democrat for president I don't vote for him. Cause just as much as I have the freedom to say what I want, you have the freedom to not listen, read, watch, or even care. Or even say how you feel as opposing opinion against mine, but it doesn't give you the freedom of censorship.
2. They feel it's their duty to stop you. Why, I ask, why is it your duty to stop me. Did you know time and time again it has been proven that the bigger the deal you make of something in opposition the bigger the support it receives. A simple little blog written by an individual that may contain an opinion of that does not match yours and you set the web on fire trying to oppose it. But what if you the "champion of truth and all that is right" had just said you know what that's their opinion what are you gonna do, would there have been a stink raised at all. Nine times out of ten no it would have gone unnoticed.
3. Those people tend to live in a constant state of fear that someone is talking about them. I could write a line as vague as "Man they get on my nerves!" And this type of person automatically assumes I am talking about them. How vain are you that you think people are focused on you, and if the are then who cares! I mean unless its a direct personal attack then really why are you so upset. Because believe it or not they may not be talking about you.

So I have some advice for those people: Maybe if you focused on your stuff more than everybody elses you wouldn't be so paranoid. And maybe if you pulled your head out of your butt and realized we are all entitled to our own opinion then you could refer back to the first sentence of my advice. And two instead of ramming your opinion down other people's throats how about sharing your opinion as simply that YOUR opinion. You might find that those freedoms we talked about at first include you too!