Time rears its ugly head one again.

Time has found a way to torture me once again! On March 9 time has decided to launch a full on balls to the wall attack on my sleep pattern. I know she has been plotting this for months, how do I know you ask because she does it every year! (I believe time is a woman, because it is always changing, just like a woman's mind) Anywho I can see her sinister smile as she plans day in and day out, she masks it as a nation wide attack, but I know she only does this so I cant blame her for being late to something! She is evil!

But this year I have a plan of my own, I shall use her own kind against her, I will infiltrate her evil lair using MY WIFE, ha! she'll never see it coming. I sha'll simply have my wife set her alarm to appropriate time, she would never deceive another woman!

And once again man beats woman!

Phobia of the Day: Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.

Number of the Day: 6

Animal of the Day: Mandrill (Mandrillus sphinx)

Top Five Movie Quotes that can be used in a daily basis!

So I thought I would take the time to share some advice I learned from a dear friends of mine -

If you are ever in a situation where someone asks you for advice because they are down or hurt or angry look them dead in he eye and without missing a beat ask them:

5. Dracula: Dead and Lovin It -

Dr. Steward (Harvey Korman): Would an enema help?

There can be two outcomes in the scenario they hate you forever and never ask you a question again ( bonus you didn't have to answer the question) or its cuts the tension and gives you a second t0 formulate an answer!

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Next time your friend pisses you off or does something completely stupid you will then be able to say:

4. Smokey and the Bandit -

Buford T. Justice (Jackie Gleason): [to his son] There's no way, *no* way that you came from *my* loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!

This is a two part insult first you are calling them stupid then you are implying you slept with their mother, from experience its never good to make a comment about sleeping with someones mother.

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Whenever you are in a place that you are uncomfortable, old folks home, day cares, mega churches, you know places with weird people -

3. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade -

Professor Henry Jones (Sean Connery): [to Indiana, while watching a Nazi parade and book burning]

My son, we're pilgrims in an unholy land.

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This one is great for someone you don't know has really pissed you off and is about to find out why its better to run and hide than to stand and fight-

2. Batman -

The Joker (Jack Nicholson): Tell me something, my friend. You ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight

This works particularly well when you are standing in the dark and the other persons realizes who said it.

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This saying is usable during any situation in life that is a good thing, you win in poker, get the girl, get a promotion, or anything in general.

1. History of the World Part 1

LOUIS XVI (Mel Brooks): "It's good to be the king!"

You may use that at will or make your own list but remember use them wisely if you don't then they can be overused and well we all know what happens there!

Phobia of the day: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.

( I don't know if this is real but it made me laugh)

Number of the day: 2-1/2

Animal of the Day: Pine Marten (Martes martes)

My Lost Innocence!

I remember growing up and watching all these great movies on TV movies like Revenge of The Nerds, Smokey and the Bandit, Die Hard and how clean they were. Now jump twenty years into the future, and I have officially lost my innonence. This week I watched Revenge of the Nerds, a wholesome movie on TV that saw the Nerds put their wits and against the strength of the Jocks and win, sounds like a good "underdog beats the man" movie right? Well thats until I bought the DVD and I saw the seedy underbelly of unedited movies. I was apalled at the way I laughed at that hideous movie and the low brow humor it utilized to make me laugh out loud. I was in pure shock and I vowed that very day to never watch another TV movie ever again for the sanctity of my innocence I shall only watch the DVD from this day forward, that way I will not hate myself later in life for sheltering myself from the real world.

I love my justification skills they rock!!

Phobia of the Day: Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.

Number of the Day: 4,456,654

Animal of the Day: African Lion
Panthera leo

How Time got its groove back!

I lay there in bed, eyes half open, mind still floating between dream and reality, the little red numbers breaking through the haze of sleep, 5:45, "I have fifteen minutes before I have to get up, sweet." I rest my eyes for what seems like seconds, if not mili-seconds and when I open them to check the clock my head pops up in horror 6:15. The clock it tricked me those stupid little red numbers, "buy digital" the voice said, "welcome to the future" the sign read, Ha! I had fallen for the slogan of the wicked technology wizard he had sucked me in, And now his wicked minion the clock radio has tricked me with his pretty lights and fancy buttons. Oh how stupid I was to turn my back on the clock hands, yes sometimes they mocked me, made me feel insignificant, but they never lied, never luuled me into a false sense of security only to stab me in the back. Why digital clock why are you this way!!

Phobia of the day: Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.

Number of the day: 2

Animal of the Day: Headless Chicken

The following image may be disturbing to some, its old and in black and white but it still freaks me out!!

After having its head removed, it continued trying to peck for food. In the end, it lived headless for 18 months

The demise of time's control!

I bought a digital clock, Ha stupid hands!

Phobia of the day: Chronophobia- Fear of time.

Number of the Day: 5:30

Animal of the Day: Marine Iguana - Amblyrhynchus cristatus

The longest minute of my life.

I stand here glaring at the clock hands, trying to use my Jedi mind tricks to speed them up but they only taunt me, those little hands waving ever so politely as if to say yes we are still here but no we wont move until we are supposed to. What do they know, do they have a family to go home to, a job to get away from! No they just sit there a constant reminder that they are in control. Tick tock all day long without a care for our needs or our wants only theirs. Oh how I hate the hands of a clock!

Phobia of the day: Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.

Number of the day: 867-5309

Animal of the Day: Spider Monkey
Ateles

The waste of being fake!

Sick and tired of being sick and tired!

I used to say that all the time! And I meant it I was tired of being in a humdrum mood all the time, and one morning I woke up and I didnt feel anything I mean nothing at all! There was no being sad, no happiness, nothing I had become completely numb! And at that point I knew there a was a conversation I had to have, so God and I talked and he wasn't fake with me. He pointed out a lot of things in my life that I have not paid attention to in awhile and so here is my rant on being fake!

Is it worth it honestly I mean for crying out loud the average person wont live past 85 to 90 years old. So if you do the math it breaks down like this you spend the first 12 to 13 years figuring out how to be fake and then we perfect it over the next 20 to 30 years until we hit our forties and guess what, at that point we get to a point where we have lived long enough that we reach one or two points either we just dont care what people think or we dont have the strength to fake it anymore.

And then for the next 40 to 50 years we spend our time wondering how different things would have been in certain relationships if we had just been honest with those people and not wasted so much tiptoeing through the tulips instead of trudging through the crap we were all dealing with.

So I stand here pulling on my waders and putting on my gasmask cause boys and girls we are about to get waist deep in crap creek and once we get to the other side (because there is always the other side) then anything we face after crap creek will be breeze!

I must warn you though as I have experienced the following in the past please keep an eye out for a monkey the looks oddly like "Curious George" because while he is cute and cuddly he tends to fling poo!

I hope you are willing to join me on this journey!

As a side note I will no longer be doing word of the day it has now been replaced with PHOBIA of the day!

Phobia of the Day: Peladophobia - the fear of Bald Men

Number of the Day: -4

Animal of the Day: Howler Monkey -Alouatta caraya