As I have stated before the train has become a source of entartainment for me, and typically these stories are light hearted and sarcastic but today my fellow bloggers I would like to introduce you a very dark character. His name is Fatty Fattest McFatman! A certain level of loathing overcomes me as soon as I see him getting on the train. Thankfully I have Jesus and he has taught me not to give into the urges. So I continue fisrt his stats:
Name: Fatty Fatest McFatman
Age: 30-35
Height: 6'4" - 6'5"
Weight: The total combined weight of the population of rhode island.
Marrital Status: There is a ring.
Children: At one point but it is believed he sold them on the black market for a bucket o chicken to a small donut shop in Garland.
Family History: His Dad was never home and when he was he didnt show Fatty any attention because he didnt play any sports. But his older brother Todd was a fotball star so Daddy loved all over Todd. So to make up for the affection he didnt get his mom allowed him to eat whatever he wanted.
Likes: The cooking network and the ESPN injury report.
Dislikes: Jocks, small children, and skinny people.
Hobbies: He enjoys torturing small animals, terrorizing the neighborhood children, an tormenting his poor wife.
Why I loathe him: There are certain rules on the train that all MEN should abide to.
1. If you are large enough to take up more than one seat you should stand up!
2. A MAN should always offer is seat to a woman who is aving to stand. Especially if she is over the age of 60!
3. Always allow omen to walk on to the train first.
4. Do not gawk at an attractive woman just because she is in your line of sight.
5. Do not act irritated when a petite woman tries to slide in next to you.
And this, person I refuse to use man, ignores all of the above. He is openly a jerk! Each day in my head I run little scenarios that involve him, electricity, train tracks, and a mountain goat.
Number of the day: 4
Phobia of the Day: Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
10 things I hate about THAT Guy!
Have you ever known THAT guy, you know the guy I am talking about! The one that when you get to heaven your going ask God if He couldnt have done something better with that particular mound of flesh and bones
Please note the names and locations have been changed to protect the identity of these extremely stupid people!And that guy can be substituted as a girl at any time.
10. I hate that, THAT guy has a bigger better story than you no matter what you have one. If you went fishing on a boat at a local lake and caught a good sized fish, then he went out on a yacht, in the middle of the ocean and caught a great white shark with the string from his super model girlfriends bikini.
09. I hate that, THAT guy will sit there and nod his head and agree with everything someone is saying and then turn around and not do any of the stuff he was just agreeing with!
08. I hate that, THAT guy will sit around mope all day long about how horrible his life is but if you give him a way out he gets mad at you for telling him he needs to change.
07. I hate that, THAT guy will ramble on and on for ever saying the same thing the person before them just said, but that guy thinks that if he says it it will make so much more sense, and everyone will be enlightened!
06. I hate that, THAT guy acts like he knows what he's talking about even though he has no clue, and if you even semi challenge him on something he accusses you of attacking him and then throws a pity party and acts like you are the bad guy. And the only reason he acts this way is because hed no answer for your question and this is a serious deflection technique made famous by Wonder Woman with her gold bracelets.
05. I hate that, THAT guy is to stupid to understand how lucky he is that up until this point he hasnt gotten his butt kicked on more than one occassion, I hate that he is too stupid to be scared which makes it even harder not to play "Mr Potato Head" with his face!
04. I hate that, THAT guy thinks he can fix all of your problems by simply telling you what he thinks you should do. And then gets offended if you disagree even though its your life, and he's an idiot.
03. I hate that, THAT guy cries over the stupidest things that in all reality, and I am talking about the real reality the one everybody lives in, have no true impact on his life. and yet he acts like its him who is going through it, man up!
02. I hate that, THAT guy will be a complete a-hole to you, being sarcastic stating the obvious, just being rude, but if you stand up to him, well heavan forbid his world just fell apart cause you were mean to him and he thought you were his friend!
01. And the number one thing that I hate about That guy - Its that he is THAT guy all the freaking time!
Phobia of the day: Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Number of the Day: 4,732 the amount of times I have wanted to kill THAT guy.
I am starting a new segment called: "Before They Were Famous!"
Q: What did Steve Carell do before becoming famous?
A: Steve Carell was once a mail carrier but says he quit after a few months because he was "very, very bad at it."
A: In 1996, Steve Carell appeared on the short-lived "Dana Carvey Show" where he voiced Gary in The Ambiguously Gay Duo sketch (before it moved to SNL).
Please note the names and locations have been changed to protect the identity of these extremely stupid people!And that guy can be substituted as a girl at any time.
10. I hate that, THAT guy has a bigger better story than you no matter what you have one. If you went fishing on a boat at a local lake and caught a good sized fish, then he went out on a yacht, in the middle of the ocean and caught a great white shark with the string from his super model girlfriends bikini.
09. I hate that, THAT guy will sit there and nod his head and agree with everything someone is saying and then turn around and not do any of the stuff he was just agreeing with!
08. I hate that, THAT guy will sit around mope all day long about how horrible his life is but if you give him a way out he gets mad at you for telling him he needs to change.
07. I hate that, THAT guy will ramble on and on for ever saying the same thing the person before them just said, but that guy thinks that if he says it it will make so much more sense, and everyone will be enlightened!
06. I hate that, THAT guy acts like he knows what he's talking about even though he has no clue, and if you even semi challenge him on something he accusses you of attacking him and then throws a pity party and acts like you are the bad guy. And the only reason he acts this way is because hed no answer for your question and this is a serious deflection technique made famous by Wonder Woman with her gold bracelets.
05. I hate that, THAT guy is to stupid to understand how lucky he is that up until this point he hasnt gotten his butt kicked on more than one occassion, I hate that he is too stupid to be scared which makes it even harder not to play "Mr Potato Head" with his face!
04. I hate that, THAT guy thinks he can fix all of your problems by simply telling you what he thinks you should do. And then gets offended if you disagree even though its your life, and he's an idiot.
03. I hate that, THAT guy cries over the stupidest things that in all reality, and I am talking about the real reality the one everybody lives in, have no true impact on his life. and yet he acts like its him who is going through it, man up!
02. I hate that, THAT guy will be a complete a-hole to you, being sarcastic stating the obvious, just being rude, but if you stand up to him, well heavan forbid his world just fell apart cause you were mean to him and he thought you were his friend!
01. And the number one thing that I hate about That guy - Its that he is THAT guy all the freaking time!
Phobia of the day: Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Number of the Day: 4,732 the amount of times I have wanted to kill THAT guy.
I am starting a new segment called: "Before They Were Famous!"
STEVE CARELL -
Q: What did Steve Carell do before becoming famous?
A: Steve Carell was once a mail carrier but says he quit after a few months because he was "very, very bad at it."
A: In 1996, Steve Carell appeared on the short-lived "Dana Carvey Show" where he voiced Gary in The Ambiguously Gay Duo sketch (before it moved to SNL).
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Why you should never wear a short skirt or tight pants on the train.
This morning was a hard morning for a couple ladies on my train. Let me set the scenario for you,I was on the train, there scenario set.
So the first incident involves a woman who is dressed in a very nice pants suit, with high heels, who was probably in her early thirties now it was obvious her pants were a little too tight, you could tell by the way she took the steps up into the train, side stepping like a penguin, that she knew it as well. She rounded the entrance and stepped toward the aisle when IT happened, her right heel caught in a groove of the floor and her other foot landed in a puddle, causing this odd vortex of flying arms and legs, and when the winds calmed down there she was a pile of human, with her pants split from zipper to belt, oh what a horrible way to realize that going commando was not such a great idea after all. Of course needless to say she was helped to her a feet and once she realized what had happened her face fell into horror and she ran from the train.
And now on to incident number two, I kid you not at the very next stop a young woman, probably in her early twenties, stepped onto the train wearing a very short denim skirt and those wierd flat shoes that look like house slippers but everyone swears that they aren't. I only know that when my grandmother wore them twenty years agothey were called house slippers. But I digress, so she steps in the aisle and she at least makes it a little further than the other lady before she slips on another puddle of water that was made by someones umbrella. This time there was no vortex of human limbs there was only a sharp squeal and her sudden realization, that she could do nothing to stop the fact that she was falling into the splits, and so she hit and rather hard too, and this is when she realizedthat the sesame street underwear she thought was so cute when she bought it was not very attractive when doing the splits.
After that stop when ever someone new would walk on the train everyone who had experienced the other falls seemed to wait with anticipation for the next victim. We were like vultures, it was horrible, I loved it!
Anyways just a word to the wise if you dont want your naughty bits shown to the world then dont go commando, and please choose your cartoon character underwear wisely!
So the first incident involves a woman who is dressed in a very nice pants suit, with high heels, who was probably in her early thirties now it was obvious her pants were a little too tight, you could tell by the way she took the steps up into the train, side stepping like a penguin, that she knew it as well. She rounded the entrance and stepped toward the aisle when IT happened, her right heel caught in a groove of the floor and her other foot landed in a puddle, causing this odd vortex of flying arms and legs, and when the winds calmed down there she was a pile of human, with her pants split from zipper to belt, oh what a horrible way to realize that going commando was not such a great idea after all. Of course needless to say she was helped to her a feet and once she realized what had happened her face fell into horror and she ran from the train.
And now on to incident number two, I kid you not at the very next stop a young woman, probably in her early twenties, stepped onto the train wearing a very short denim skirt and those wierd flat shoes that look like house slippers but everyone swears that they aren't. I only know that when my grandmother wore them twenty years agothey were called house slippers. But I digress, so she steps in the aisle and she at least makes it a little further than the other lady before she slips on another puddle of water that was made by someones umbrella. This time there was no vortex of human limbs there was only a sharp squeal and her sudden realization, that she could do nothing to stop the fact that she was falling into the splits, and so she hit and rather hard too, and this is when she realizedthat the sesame street underwear she thought was so cute when she bought it was not very attractive when doing the splits.
After that stop when ever someone new would walk on the train everyone who had experienced the other falls seemed to wait with anticipation for the next victim. We were like vultures, it was horrible, I loved it!
Anyways just a word to the wise if you dont want your naughty bits shown to the world then dont go commando, and please choose your cartoon character underwear wisely!
Phobia of the Day: Trains, railroads or train travel- Siderodromophobia.
Number of the Day: 12
Where are they Now: Joff Cohen Chunk from Goonies
Then: Cohen did the rounds of '80s TV sitcoms ('Webster,' 'Facts of Life') before being tapped to play Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen, the pudgy, ice cream-loving, tall tale-telling Goonie who redeems himself by pledging devotion to the sweet deformity known as Sloth. ("I'm gonna take care of ya ... because I love ya.")
Now: 'Goonies' was Cohen's only film role, but he never really left Chunk behind. As an undergrad at UC Berkeley, he ran for office (and won) on a "Chunk for President" platform and amused students by doing the Truffle Shuffle at football games. He's now a slimmed-down entertainment lawyer at Cohen & Gardner in L.A.
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